Oh, and I don't give myself permission to type words like shit in my blog. But I say shit all the time. So, hey.... Shiiiiiiiit!
And guess what... Shit has been going down lately. Too much.
Sometimes shit is too much to handle. Sometimes there is too much of it. Sometimes shit happens and it leaves you cold inside. Numb. Confused. Sad. Scared. And just when you start moving on, more shit happens.
It becomes about more than questioning the world, but about questioning your place in it.
Then, just to stick a shit cherry on a shit sundae, more shit happens. And it leaves you cold and numb and sad and scared all over.
I am tired of adulting.
Some of the above is obvious stuff, like the tragic deaths in Ottawa this week. And then there is other stuff. Personal stuff. Stuff I cannot blog about. Stuff that leaves me hugging my kid tighter, crying a little, and wondering how you get through it all.
Sometimes the bigger stuff makes my little stuff seem so insignificant. Then sometimes the personal stuff becomes overwhelmingly big and makes the world seem insignificant.
Sometimes my coping mechanisms fail me completely and I retreat into my cloud of insecurities, ADD, and introversion. I pick up my knitting and close out the feeling. I knit because I can't think anymore. Because there is too much to think about. Because the world has become too loud, the tragedies too many, and the personal too hard.
So if you need me, you'll find me in the corner over there, crying softly for the ones I love, and knitting. Because there is nothing else I can do.
Ps... I will be back tomorrow with a happier entry, because there is good stuff happening, too. And I need to blog more often. So, I will! :)